Numb
by gaypokemontrainers
Summary: The bitter liquid didn't burn his throat anymore, but the pain was still there, so he kept pushing himself. Volkner simply wasn't numb enough.


"**Numb"**

Summary: The bitter liquid didn't burn his throat anymore, but the pain was still there, so he kept pushing himself. Volkner simply wasn't numb enough.

He smoked his second pack of cigarettes and downed another shot of vodka. The pills on the floor of his apartment didn't have a name associated with them, but he popped three and waited for some kind of effect. Not enough happened, of course. He was impaired and his vision was blurry, but the pain still ate at him. All Volkner wanted to do was escape. He wanted to black out and leave the world he was in- if only for just a short while.

To say the Gym Leader was a wreck was a complete understatement. There he lay, dressed in alcohol-soaked clothes as he wasted his life away, unable to cope with the thoughts clouding his mind. He didn't want to be in love. He didn't ask for that kind of burden, so why did it have to be brought upon him? Love was a sick joke and he knew that Flint, his close friend of many years, would never share the feelings he harbored for him. Those feelings had to be kept a secret and Volkner hated secrets. He _despised_ them. He cursed their very existence as he brought his half-empty vodka-bottle to his mouth and turned it upside down, consuming it's remaining contents without a grimace.

He couldn't feel the touch of glass against his lips, nor could he feel the trail of alcohol run down the side of his mouth. The bitter liquid didn't burn his throat anymore, but the pain was still there, so he kept pushing himself. Volkner simply wasn't numb enough. His body was buzzing and the room enclosing him didn't seem real, but, ironically, he was still so aware. He didn't want that. He wanted peace. Why couldn't he have it yet? Didn't he deserve to be _happy_?

What was _wrong_ with him?

The bottle was empty, now, and abandoned somewhere that Volkner couldn't recall. He didn't know exactly how it happened, but he managed to stumble his way onto the beach with a pocket full of medication that may or may not have been prescribed to him. He wished he had another cigarette, but it was obvious that he blew his check on what was flowing through his system. The young man had nothing but the weight of the world on his shoulders and he felt completely overwhelmed, like always. Even with no tears left, he felt like he could cry for days. How pathetic.

How _sad_.

When his feet finally gave out, the remaining balance he had became a thing of the past and he fell onto the cool sand, not even wincing when his ankle twisted the wrong way. Afterward, he refused to pick himself up. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. His ability to function even a little correctly was lost for the night. All he could do was close his dull, blue eyes and let the scent of saltwater fill his senses.

This wasn't depression. It was something else- something that Volkner couldn't begin to pinpoint. Did he want to know? He wasn't certain.

Day in and day out, he told himself that Flint didn't deserve a friend like him. He drilled that fact into his warped mind until it was all he could accept. He simply wasn't good enough and the drugs only made matters worse, yet he kept taking them. He used alcohol to drown his fears and doubts, even though it never completely worked, and he knew Flint didn't approve of such behavior.

Why did he have to love his best friend so fucking much? Why did he let his emotions lead him to self-destruction?

Volkner wanted nothing more than to kiss Flint. He wanted to hold and be held by him. He wanted to give himself to the young man and show him just how strong those bottled-up feelings of affection were, but that would never happen. Dreams weren't meant to come true in his harsh reality and, if he stayed on the path he was taking, he would soon close his eyes and lose consciousness once and for all. If that to happened, would Flint even miss him? Volkner hoped so, even though 'hope' was something he didn't exactly have.

Where there was darkness, there had to be light somewhere, even if it came from the smallest spark or flame. That was something Flint told him long ago. He used to believe it, once upon a time. What happened?

Why couldn't he believe in those words anymore?

Before the limp, inactive Gym Leader drifted into a dreamless slumber, he cracked his eyes open one more time and swore the saw the face of his closest friend staring down at him. There was a look of worry about the young man and he appeared to be saying something, but Volkner couldn't make out what it was. To him, it was all a hallucination- an illusion created by the many toxins that restrained him. With that in mind, he made no effort to move. His eyelids descended and he finally found the ability to rest. Everything went black and that persistent sadness finally released him for a short while.

* * *

When a new day arrived, Volkner awoke in his bed, dressed in clean clothes with a wet rag on his forehead. The sweet smell of pancakes flooded the apartment and he couldn't help but wonder what was causing them.

He felt too weak to move, but he forced himself into a sitting position. His vision was still a little less-than-normal, but he was able to make out the image of Flint moving toward him. Before he could even consider saying a word, the red-headed young man rushed to him and brought him into an embrace. Volkner couldn't really couldn't process what was going on, so he remained still and silent, waiting for his friend to tell him how stupid he was for being reckless again.

Surprisingly, Flint didn't say anything to that degree. He took a completely different route.

"I'm not here to judge you, but I'd like to know why you were out cold on the beach last night." Letting go of the Gym Leader, Flint locked eyes with him and took hold of his hand. "We can work through this together. You don't have to stop being afraid all at once, but please tell me _something_." His gray eyes were full of sincerity and he hoped Volkner could see that.

The blond Gym Leader felt his heart leap and he wanted to suddenly disappear. He couldn't handle this. "I can't." Looking away, he felt ashamed and he wanted to throw up.

"_Why_ can't you? We've been close friends or years and..." Flints words faded out and he paused, taking a deep breath. He resumed that statement. "We've been close friends for years and I... care about you _so much_. Volkner, what if I had found you dead out there? Do you know how terrifying that would be for me!?"

Volkner snapped, letting a fragment of his obscured emotion shine through his stone-cold exterior. "You would be better off!" He shoved Flint away and tried to leave the bed, only to fall like the damaged, unrepairable failure that he was. The tears began flowing. Volkner knew what he was and Flint couldn't possibly see anything more in him. "Don't you understand!? You don't need someone like me in your life. I'm only going to bring you down!"

"SHUT UP!" Flint demanded, loudly enough to quiet his friend. "Don't ever say something like that!" He jumped into the floor and picked Volkner up off the ground, regardless of whether the Gym Leader wanted him to or not. Helping him back onto the bed, he gave Volkner no chance to argue with him before speaking once more. "You could never bring me down. Why can't you get that through your thick fucking head? I understand that, sometimes, you don't feel good about yourself, but let me remind you that nobody is perfect."

"I don't want to hear that shit again," replied Volkner, unaffected by his friend's speech. He was growing tired of hearing the same, boring 'nobody-is-perfect' remark time and time again. It was getting old.

Flint refused to budge. "I don't _care_ if you don't want to hear it. I'm going to keep on because you're_ important_ to me, Volkner. You're more important to me than you'll ever know."

Silence filled the area until Volkner mumbled a completely unexpected response. "_How_ important?" he asked. "How important am I to you? All I do is cause you trouble. You're supposed to be out there training to become a part of the Elite Four right now, not here catering to me. I'm keeping you from your goal."

"I can continue my training at any time," Flint assured. "When you didn't answer my phone call, I had to rush over because I knew what was going on. How important are you to me, you ask? You're important enough for me to forget everything and rush to your aid. You're important enough to never leave my mind regardless of how far away from home I travel." He took a breath, silently preparing himself for what he was about to say next. "Most of all, you're important enough to make me set aside my own personal fears and confess that I love you." His voice grew shaky, adrenaline taking over him at the sight of Volkner's eyes growing wide. "I wanted to wait until the perfect moment to tell you, even though I'm pretty sure you don't feel the same way, but I guess it had to come out sooner than planned..." Coming to a halt, he hoped the Gym Leader wasn't completely repulsed. Just in case, he added an apology before shutting himself up. "Sorry."

At that very millisecond, Volkner felt a new sense of numbness. His head hurt and his entire body was fatigued, but the pain that was built up within him began to slowly subside. Was this really happening? He had to make sure. "Do you really mean that...?"

Flint breathlessly answered "yeah" and shook his head. "Ever since we were young, I knew I couldn't think of you as just a friend. Is that wrong?"

"Not at all," said Volkner, trying to fight back the ghost of a smile. The wet sensation of tears returned to his eyes and he finally had no reason to be afraid. He braced himself and took the jump, refusing to look back. "I love you, too, Flint. I wanted to tell you for so long, but..."

"You were too afraid you would ruin our friendship?" guessed Flint.

"Exactly," the Gym Leader confirmed.

Flint smiled, so pleased with Volkner's reply. "Me, too."

"I let myself go because it was too difficult for me to keep my feelings hidden," confessed the Gym Leader, summing up the cause of his sorrow the best he could. "I never imagined you would actually love me back." Unable to think up any additional statements, he grew silent and slowly recapped the recent events in his mind. The high that was caused by them felt more surreal than any high a pill or other substance could cause and it was simply unbelievable. Had it not been for his head aching so badly, he would swear he was dreaming.

The night before, Volkner was at an all-time low and, after putting himself in danger once again, his life took a completely different turn. Was this a sign? What this nature's way of telling him that good things could still happen? Perhaps life really _was_ worth living. For the first time in years, Volkner caught himself starting to realize that everything would be okay in the end.

Flint scooted closer to him with a face redder than the tight curls that covered his scalp. He scratched the back of his head, mentally devising a way to blurt out something he figured he'd never have the chance to ask. "Volk... Can I kiss you?"

Volkner didn't speak. Instead, he skipped a verbal response and crashed his lips against Flint's, wrapping his arms around the young man's neck.

More than most people, Volkner knew that the road to complacence was a rocky, upward slope. Perhaps, one day, he could reach the top. If Flint was there to hold his hand along the way, the journey didn't seem as impossible as he first thought. After all, where there was darkness, there had to be light somewhere, even if it came from the smallest spark or flame.


End file.
